The Weight Loss Diet Plan I do NOT recommend
It "SUCS"
There are a lot of weight loss diet plans and strategies out there. A lot.
Low carb
Low fat
All meat.
No meat.
Fasting.
Eating six small meals a day.
Limiting caloric intake.
The Tom Brady TB12 diet, aka known as “Avocado Ice Cream Diet” aka known as: “I’ll never enjoy food again.”
Gastric Bypass surgery
And then there are methods for curbing your appetite, like taking Ozempic or listening to Joy Behar.
I can speak to several of the aforementioned “mama needs to fit in her skinny jeans again” plans, but I can tell you one of the absolute worst weight loss plans by far is “Sudden Unexpected Colitis” or “SUC” method. (If you read this as “suck,” you read it right. If you didn’t, please do, ‘cause that’s what it does.)
SUC happened to me a week ago in Durango, Colorado while on a mini-trip with friends. Durango and I have a love-hate relationship. I love Durango, but I think it wants to kill me. I got Covid back in 2021 while in Durango; I got stuck in a crazy winter squall a year ago in that lovely Colorado town and most recently, my innards formed a rebellion while strolling Durango’s Main Street.
Prior to the rebellion, though, the trip had been delightful.
We had started out in the four corners area on Navajo Lake, boatin,’ and floatin’ on the pontoon. <cue the Little Big Town song of the same name. Yeah, you’ll be humming that the rest of the day. You’re welcome.>
The day was beautiful, the water refreshing the weather stunning…
And everything was great…until wasn’t.
The lake turned angry that day, my friends. It was some real Pirates of the Caribbean type stuff.
The wind whipped around us, the rain pelted our face and, as we had ventured practically into Colorado on that pontoon boat, it took awhile to get back. The DH had a beach towel wrapped around his shoulders like a prayer shawl while taking turns with our friend Ray to bring the boat in. TO BE CLEAR, we were never in any danger. Just wet and cold.
But the following day in Durango?
Every color of gorgeous.
We had stunning weather which meant that after a quick lunch at our favorite Durango burger joint FAMBURGER for one of their amazing green chile cheeseburgers, off we went to do some shopping and stroll main street.
Now, not to bore you with my health history, but I do endure fibromyalgia flareups from time to time. I know the symptoms and recognize that something is happening. Whether that something will be BIG or little is always a surprise. But this time? I don’t know. It felt…different. And I knew that something was up when Perfect Michelle and Sassy Ray called the DH and I over for a happy hour cocktail and…wait for it…I didn’t feel like it. Yeah, you heard that right. Kids, when I don’t feel like a cocktail, something is not right with mama.
I took a two hour nap back at the hotel (again…what? I don’t nap) and then headed out for dinner and then home the next day. My appetite had dwindled to nothing and if stomach cramps were an Olympic sport, there is no way I wouldn’t have qualified. By that night, I was reduced to the fetal position making all kinds of groaning noises.
It was like messed up whale song.
There was fever, there was vomiting, there was headache and there was the fear I was going to live the rest of my life in the bathroom.
To quote my mom, it was the kind of pain that had you afraid you were going to die…and then afraid you weren’t.
After two, yes TWO trips to a brand new amazing ER in town, morphine, countless IV bags, shots, pain med after pain med, multiple nausea meds and a CT scan which revealed a diagnosis of Colitis, relief finally came. Of course, if you’ve been following me for any time you might know already that I am not my best when in pain. The filter is weak and the snark bubbles up easily, like when Armando, my amazing nurse was going through the required questions upon admittance to the ER.
”Do you drink alcohol?”
”Yes.”
”Every day or socially?”
”Socially.”
”Do you take any prescriptions?”
”No.”
”Do you use tobacco?”
”No.”
”Do you use any recreational drugs like methamphetamine or cocaine?”
”No. Oh, wait. I do use gummies but only at bedtime to sleep.”
”Are these cannabis gummies?”
<cue the weak filter>
”No, they’re those little teddy bear gummies in the gold package.”
Hey, I apologized later for that.
So, here we are. I now have to adjust my diet to accommodate my stupid stupid colitis. The “approved foods” are so restrictive it makes the Tom Brady diet look like one of those cruise ship buffets.
I realize everyone has to do what is best for them when it comes to weight loss, but kids, trust me on this one.
The “SUC” Weight Loss Plan?
I give it two thumbs down.
No stars.
Do not recommend.
Note: I did this just to see what AI thinks Tom Brady at a buffet would look like. Turns out, it looks like he’s gonna wolf down some unrecognizable food with his freaky fingers and murder me in my sleep.
JUST LIKE DURANGO.